I left the shelter recently and I feel so happy that I did. However I think I stayed there too long. I stayed there for four months with my son and I left some friends behind. Now I know that I am supposed to be celebrating. Instead I feel stressed out because I am facing the "real world" again. No more free dinners and parties and free clothes. I still qualify for those things because I live in Transition Housing. However I feel like a cheater when I walk into those soup kitchens.
I look down and quietly say " I have an apartment but I still need free food." Isn't that terrible? I am still in the bind I was in except I am not in the shelter anymore. I still need transportation. I am still only living on 300 dollars a month. I do get free bus passes though. Isn't that wonderful?
I have designer clothes. I carefully selected the clothes when I was able to get free clothes in the shelter. I made sure everything I got was designer. It was a once in a lifetime moment and I wanted to leave looking like a Denver-ite. When I walk around I do not look homeless. I am sporting a Calvin Klein Jacket. I am wearing Ann Taylor Shoes. I sometimes wear my AMAZING Michael Kors Winter Coat that I know must of cost hundreds of dollars! I look brand new! I am so proud of my cunning free shopping ways. However the fun I had is starting to lose its flavor.
I took with me a clothing Legacy. So now what? I am still living in Transition Housing. A lot of my friends at the shelter said "I knew you would make it! We are so proud of you!" and the staff looked upon me like a great success story. So now I have to carry the torch, so to speak. I want to come back telling them all that I made it. I can't wait to make it. Now I have to be strong and make it on my own with my son in tow. I want to walk in again one day with thousands of dollars worth of donations. I want to give away 20 brand new Christmas presents to the children at this shelter every year. I want to be able to say that I made it! I want to be able to give back to the shelter!
I still go to the VOA dinners occasionally, visit St Francis, the Denver Rescue Mission and other places and say hi to my friends there. I still admit that I need free meals to make it through. I just hope that my transition ways don't make them jealous. Its really wonderful to be able to go back to the apartment. I hope I can make it this year and next year and be out of the system. I don't want to end up like one of my other veteran friends. He told me after the two years were up he had to leave. For reasons I don't understand he ended up homeless and back on the streets again. I pray every night that this does not happen to me or to my son. We deserve to live like the rest of society. We have the right to be happy. It is scary sometimes to think that the responsibility lies mostly on me. I am going to think everything through and not panic. I will be strong for us no matter what.
Tuesday, January 3, 2017
My Baby, My Baby
It is not really funny, but sometimes the drama you hear in a shelter is sort of hilarious. When I first arrived to the shelter I thought that everyone was out to steal or take my baby. I knew that it was sort of crazy to think that way. However I just fell into this weird defensive stance and every time someone talked about my son, I would say "He is my baby, my baby!" Then I borrowed a pen from one of my case workers and lo and behold! It was a pen that said "Adoption Options" and I was like...."Oh hell no!" and thought the place was kind of evil.
Finally I talked it out at Denver Human Services and they said "oh no you don't need to give away your child! That is mostly for people who have been caught child abusing or who just want to give away their children to Foster Care." I met a few mothers who visit their children in Foster Care. It really looks like they don't miss their children that much. One mother I saw was walking around with a cell phone in her hand and when she went to meet her sons, she still held the cellphone in her hand! It was like she had to stay on Facebook or something while she talked to them. Am I missing out on Foster Care options? In my mind this would devastate me. Is there any fun in that? According to the way this mother looked, it looked like it was fun to be without her children.
The opposite extreme is to do what I am doing. I am still looking for nannies, childcare, and daycare (but my son has Autism Spectrum Disorder so it is difficult). My son stays with me practically 24/7.
Well I was finally moving out of the shelter when this poor young woman walks past us with her little one month year old son. She turns to my friend and says "my baby, my baby". The man I was with was a shelterite too so he told her off by saying "We all know that's your baby. Damn...you don't have to keep saying that!" I turned to him and said "Oh no. She has the My Baby Syndrome!" I told him how I was acting like that too. I really want to ask these single mothers who have one month year olds in their arms and say "What happened to you! Why is your life so f-ed up? Where is your family? Your baby daddy? Why did everyone abandon you? For G-d sakes you have a newborn baby!" But then I look at myself. A lot of people ask me the same questions. I often ask myself why this happened to me. However in good humor I say it was just because it was bad timing. I had to leave when I had nothing left, when I had nowhere else to live, and when I had no one to take care of my son. I left because I had no support and I needed to break free. I am sure most of these women feel the same way. So if you hear a woman repeat the words "my baby, my baby" please forgive her. She is just going through a really rough time. I know I did. I call it the My Baby Syndrome.
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Finally I talked it out at Denver Human Services and they said "oh no you don't need to give away your child! That is mostly for people who have been caught child abusing or who just want to give away their children to Foster Care." I met a few mothers who visit their children in Foster Care. It really looks like they don't miss their children that much. One mother I saw was walking around with a cell phone in her hand and when she went to meet her sons, she still held the cellphone in her hand! It was like she had to stay on Facebook or something while she talked to them. Am I missing out on Foster Care options? In my mind this would devastate me. Is there any fun in that? According to the way this mother looked, it looked like it was fun to be without her children.
The opposite extreme is to do what I am doing. I am still looking for nannies, childcare, and daycare (but my son has Autism Spectrum Disorder so it is difficult). My son stays with me practically 24/7.
Well I was finally moving out of the shelter when this poor young woman walks past us with her little one month year old son. She turns to my friend and says "my baby, my baby". The man I was with was a shelterite too so he told her off by saying "We all know that's your baby. Damn...you don't have to keep saying that!" I turned to him and said "Oh no. She has the My Baby Syndrome!" I told him how I was acting like that too. I really want to ask these single mothers who have one month year olds in their arms and say "What happened to you! Why is your life so f-ed up? Where is your family? Your baby daddy? Why did everyone abandon you? For G-d sakes you have a newborn baby!" But then I look at myself. A lot of people ask me the same questions. I often ask myself why this happened to me. However in good humor I say it was just because it was bad timing. I had to leave when I had nothing left, when I had nowhere else to live, and when I had no one to take care of my son. I left because I had no support and I needed to break free. I am sure most of these women feel the same way. So if you hear a woman repeat the words "my baby, my baby" please forgive her. She is just going through a really rough time. I know I did. I call it the My Baby Syndrome.
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My New Transition Apartment
I read somewhere in the contract that you can't video and record the apartments (like being a homeless veteran in Youtube). However I did manage to sneak in one picture of MY BRAND NEW KITCHEN!!! If you can see this kitchen then you can imagine the rest of this amazing apartment!
The total price for an apartment like this is around 1090.00 a month in Denver, CO. However if you add the sewer, water, electric, and other utility bills together I can imagine it will be around 2000.00 by the time it is done. Now I cannot tell you how much I pay for it. I think you might want to kill me if you knew. You might rapidly move out your homes and decide to become homeless too. I cannot tell you that. However....as wonderfully inexpensive as it is. There is a downside to all of this. You can only stay in this home for two years maximum. You must be able to meet full rent within two years or you will have to leave. It is not meant to be a forever apartment. That is why it is called Transition Housing. If you live in Transition Housing...even a house like this...you are still considered homeless. Isn't that crazy? You can get full benefits as if you didn't have a house at all. So we can still go the homeless shelters and eat the food, get free clothes and other goodies.
You would think all of this would make me happy right? Well suddenly I feel sad. I really want to make a living that can afford this kind of housing. I got a job offer. However, I fear that I will not be able to make this kind of money in a year or two unless my child gets the help he needs. I need FULL TIME DAYCARE to afford a place like this.I want to say that I am VERY Thankful for this place! I mean it is a dream come true! It is absolutely amazing. I am originally from New York City. I worked there when I was single and of course no one I knew could afford a place like this by themselves. Now I am in the same boat except I wake up every day wonderfully refreshed and wonder "how did I ever step foot into this apartment!"
My three year old son has his own room and he loves it! He plays with his trains all day long!
I know that he was meant to be in a place like this. God graced us well! Sometimes I believe that God is not really giving me all of this but it is for my son! Which is great because I am his mother.
I stepped out of the Samaritan House and came home to a place like this! Most people told me they cannot manage to stay in the program long enough to get housing. However to be fair, most people don't follow the no alcohol rules or curfew rules either. Well I did! I also got the Combat Vet help that I needed (free bus passes etc.) and I received tailored made items that helped me get to a good start. This included two airbeds, a new set of dishes, pots and pans, comforters, and even a crock pot! I never could say this out loud but I am sure she knew....I think she is one of the best case workers I ever met! I loved the way she treated me and helped me and supported me and then she saw me off with these wonderful gifts!
However life does rear its ugly head sometimes. The baby sitter I hired (who is also a family friend) has an aversion to traveling on buses. She stood me up today. Luckily it was just a trial run to see if she is reliable or not. She is not! It was sad but I had to let her go. Then....I went to the Homeless Coalition and I begged them for support to find Special Needs Daycare. I fear that this great job that I was offered (at the AFB base ) will go to hell with itself because I can't find sufficient daycare. I need regular hours from 7am-to 6m so I can do my shifts. So far the struggle has been real. I can't find it at this time! Luckily my dad said he will babysit for a while....but how long will that last?
I always fear the worst when things like this are out of my control.
The beds didn't come with an Air Pump and everyone forgot about that so my son and I ended up sleeping on the "non air bed" which was essentially the floor. However I got one from Walmart today and I fixed the problem. I also got a cheap internet deal and now I can work online at night so I can make extra income. I am afraid though and I wanted to share this with my readers. (In ten years from now this could be helping someone else). I was told to pray. So that is what I am doing. The thing is though if I can work anywhere I can sustain this place in the future. I only have 2 years left!
It sounds funny but it is not. I am still working on the problem of daycare and the fact that my child has Autism Spectrum Disorder. I will apply for SSI if I can't hold this job due to daycare soon!
In the meantime I absolutely LOVE my apartment! I am in apartment (Downtown Denver) Heaven!
Friday, December 23, 2016
My Secret Escape: Virtual DJ
You can laugh at me. I am a single mother with a three year old son. However it has ALWAYS been my dream to DJ. Now I am finally Djing at home. I am a Disc Jockey late at night! I brought the music software program over 2 years ago, but I recently reinstalled it into my current computer.
This DJ program is one of the best by far! I know I will see fans of "Serato" and "Pioneer" here. However you have to remember that I am a single mother who doesn't really have the time to become the next AVICCI. I am just having fun spinning music that I love! I mess with the phasers, pitch shifters, flangers, and other really cool effects on here. I often go back to my 19 year old Goth days and spin Gothic, Industrial, EBM, EDM, Techno Industrial Trance and lovely New Age music.
I am having the time of my life .....and all of this happens late at night.
I have my awesome RIG headphones (that my husband brought a while ago). Now I am slowly but surely becoming a hot new DJ in my mind! I love it.I am learning more and more every time!
There is nothing better than creating "Midnight Podcasts" and creating awesome scary looking flyers
for my playlists.
If you want to hear my stuff go to "DJ Mezzaninn/ on Mixcloud.
It is not only a hobby. I plan to teach my baby boy how to DJ when he is around 7 years old.
Who knows. He could become the next AVICCI.... (joke with that name. LOL).
This DJ program is one of the best by far! I know I will see fans of "Serato" and "Pioneer" here. However you have to remember that I am a single mother who doesn't really have the time to become the next AVICCI. I am just having fun spinning music that I love! I mess with the phasers, pitch shifters, flangers, and other really cool effects on here. I often go back to my 19 year old Goth days and spin Gothic, Industrial, EBM, EDM, Techno Industrial Trance and lovely New Age music.
I am having the time of my life .....and all of this happens late at night.
I have my awesome RIG headphones (that my husband brought a while ago). Now I am slowly but surely becoming a hot new DJ in my mind! I love it.I am learning more and more every time!
There is nothing better than creating "Midnight Podcasts" and creating awesome scary looking flyers
for my playlists.
If you want to hear my stuff go to "DJ Mezzaninn/ on Mixcloud.
It is not only a hobby. I plan to teach my baby boy how to DJ when he is around 7 years old.
Who knows. He could become the next AVICCI.... (joke with that name. LOL).
Daycare Issues
I was called by VNA and I was offered a job position and interview next week. I really wanted to accommodate the lady on the phone so I made myself sound like a great candidate. They called twice already this week and now it is my turn to call them to schedule an interview. I am so tired of the same dilemma over and over again!
I filed for SSI and I am waiting on my Son's Individual Education Plan so I can get the "Special Needs" Label for my son. They have plenty of Daycares that offer help for ASD children. I am still in the LIMBO though. I think you heard me complain before, but just in case you didn't....here is the story. My son was recently diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. The psychiatrist said "you can't work!. Daycare after Daycare will kick him out until he gets his diagnosis." She turned out to be right! The Preschool he goes to only keeps him in school for 2 hours a day!
Anyway I finally applied for Social Security Disability as the Caregiver role so I can receive assistance for my son. It is still in the beginning stage but there is hope on the horizon. Recently Denver Human Services asked me if I can limit my time there so they won't have to watch him for many hours at a time. They are the LAST Daycare I have!
I want to work very badly though. I have offers and opportunities left and right to work. I called a few Nannies but they are too expensive at the moment. I am also waiting on my Transition Housing (coming next week they said). So I figure I will interview Nannies in the area after I get my housing and some furniture in the house. I am at a critical time I think.
I got offers to work at the Buckley AFB (won't say what here. You will have to find me in that BIG BASE if you are looking for me....lol.) I am on the "end stage" of the hiring process. I got the extensive background check and everything done. So now I am strapped for Daycare!
To make it worse...CCAP has offered to pay Nannies now! So I will get assistance with Daycare costs soon too! I shouldn't be complaining. However the time is near and I need a job!
I filed for SSI and I am waiting on my Son's Individual Education Plan so I can get the "Special Needs" Label for my son. They have plenty of Daycares that offer help for ASD children. I am still in the LIMBO though. I think you heard me complain before, but just in case you didn't....here is the story. My son was recently diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. The psychiatrist said "you can't work!. Daycare after Daycare will kick him out until he gets his diagnosis." She turned out to be right! The Preschool he goes to only keeps him in school for 2 hours a day!
Anyway I finally applied for Social Security Disability as the Caregiver role so I can receive assistance for my son. It is still in the beginning stage but there is hope on the horizon. Recently Denver Human Services asked me if I can limit my time there so they won't have to watch him for many hours at a time. They are the LAST Daycare I have!
I want to work very badly though. I have offers and opportunities left and right to work. I called a few Nannies but they are too expensive at the moment. I am also waiting on my Transition Housing (coming next week they said). So I figure I will interview Nannies in the area after I get my housing and some furniture in the house. I am at a critical time I think.
I got offers to work at the Buckley AFB (won't say what here. You will have to find me in that BIG BASE if you are looking for me....lol.) I am on the "end stage" of the hiring process. I got the extensive background check and everything done. So now I am strapped for Daycare!
To make it worse...CCAP has offered to pay Nannies now! So I will get assistance with Daycare costs soon too! I shouldn't be complaining. However the time is near and I need a job!
Best Christmas in Denver
I went to the SAM House and was notified that my child's presents are "Ready for pick up". As I waited outside the room, the Single Volunteers of Denver were wrapping them!
I went to get a nice Stocking for my three year old son and the sign said "please pick 10 items for your son." So I filled the Stocking with cars, trucks, toys, chocolate kisses and candy canes. Then a lady said "Okay the presents are being wrapped. Please help the volunteers label them for your son"
I walked in looking around and saw a huge bag filled with brand new toys! I saw an Electric Train Set from VTech! The I saw a huge box filled with shiny trucks, He got a pair of winter boots from Kohl's and we got a Hungry Hippo's Game too! There were more stuff they were wrapping! All for my son!I felt like I won the lottery! A mom who has an autistic spectrum child knows that she has to constantly keep him or her busy! It is not only gifts for him. It is also gifts for me!!
I truly appreciate this!!! I want to establish a non profit that will buy kids gifts every year! Everyone can donate one gift. It would be easy to do! I would love to donate gifts next year.
I got gifts too. I got the "Jennifer Lopez" Perfume. A lipstick from Elizabeth Arden. Nice sexy Body Lotions from Victoria's Secret. A beautiful Nine West Purse and a 25 dollar gift card!! All from perfect strangers who donated gifts to us. I want to say...THANK YOU, THANK YOU and THANK YOU again.
My dad and his wife are throwing a Christmas Party for my son this year too! They already brought over 20 presents for him. So already he has 30 presents and it is not even Christmas yet!! Can you believe it? I will have toys for him for years to come.
Not to be outdone my ESTRANGED HUSBAND sent us a Tablet for my son and a new Lap
Top for me! He is still asking us to move back to Florida. But please read my other blog posts on why I will not be able to return at this time. (Hint: An Obnoxious Level of Craziness we can expect if I do return). Well I will report how the Christmas Party goes!
CHRISTMAS 2016: DENVER X MAS IS VERY WONDERFUL AND MEMORABLE!!!
Friday, December 16, 2016
The Husband in the Background
The Husband calls almost every other day. We fight and fight and then we hang up the phone. I start to feel queasy and when I go to sleep at night I start to wonder about the "nightmare" that I am in.
I can't sleep and then I toss and turn and wonder why we even met in the first place!
It seemed right when we first met. It was great when we talked on the phone. We talked all of the time before we were married and we talked all of the time after we were married. We talk all of the time now and so I just can't accept that we are not staying married. I do in the waking world but when I go to sleep I scream at the forces of nature about why this became so screwed!!
Luckily he often feels the same way too. So we are now in a happy form of denial. We say we will stay together. We plan on seeing each other. We plan on living together again. We fight over the future about what state we will live in. He wants to live in Florida. I want to stay in Denver. We talk about moving to Washington State. We talk about moving to Utah, Arizona or New Mexico. We can't agree fully on anything or any state. He doesn't care that I got everything going here. I am starting to settle in and the case managers tell me of course not to uproot again. I will do what the professionals say because they said "they see this time and time again." Just when the wife is starting to make Head Way the husband has to try to control the situation again. So this is what I am dealing with.
Anyway I already put in for Child Support. We are waiting on that. I also moved into the Transition Apartment and I have 2 years to get on my feet financially. Sometimes he sends me 100.00 for coffee on our bank card, sometimes he sends another 100 for my son's clothes or things. He seems to think that he is doing the best that he can. Although we already calculated that he makes around 3500 a month because he is Truck Driving long distances. I talked to a Defense Lawyer and a Family Lawyer and asked if we could throw him in Jail for what he has done. Unfortunately there are no laws established at this time to protect a wife and child (children) from destitution.They did say that later I can sue him for damages at a later time.
I don't have the money or time to deal with this issue. I am sure the Child Support will kick in soon.
I can't sleep and then I toss and turn and wonder why we even met in the first place!
It seemed right when we first met. It was great when we talked on the phone. We talked all of the time before we were married and we talked all of the time after we were married. We talk all of the time now and so I just can't accept that we are not staying married. I do in the waking world but when I go to sleep I scream at the forces of nature about why this became so screwed!!
Luckily he often feels the same way too. So we are now in a happy form of denial. We say we will stay together. We plan on seeing each other. We plan on living together again. We fight over the future about what state we will live in. He wants to live in Florida. I want to stay in Denver. We talk about moving to Washington State. We talk about moving to Utah, Arizona or New Mexico. We can't agree fully on anything or any state. He doesn't care that I got everything going here. I am starting to settle in and the case managers tell me of course not to uproot again. I will do what the professionals say because they said "they see this time and time again." Just when the wife is starting to make Head Way the husband has to try to control the situation again. So this is what I am dealing with.
Anyway I already put in for Child Support. We are waiting on that. I also moved into the Transition Apartment and I have 2 years to get on my feet financially. Sometimes he sends me 100.00 for coffee on our bank card, sometimes he sends another 100 for my son's clothes or things. He seems to think that he is doing the best that he can. Although we already calculated that he makes around 3500 a month because he is Truck Driving long distances. I talked to a Defense Lawyer and a Family Lawyer and asked if we could throw him in Jail for what he has done. Unfortunately there are no laws established at this time to protect a wife and child (children) from destitution.They did say that later I can sue him for damages at a later time.
I don't have the money or time to deal with this issue. I am sure the Child Support will kick in soon.
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