Left Strong Must Be Strong

I left the shelter recently and I feel so happy that I did. However I think I stayed there too long. I stayed there for four months with my son and I left some friends behind. Now I know that I am supposed to be celebrating. Instead I feel stressed out because I am facing the "real world" again. No more free dinners and parties and free clothes. I still qualify for those things because I live in Transition Housing. However I feel like a cheater when I walk into those soup kitchens.

I look down and quietly say " I have an apartment but I still need free food." Isn't that terrible? I am still in the bind I was in except I am not in the shelter anymore. I still need transportation. I am still only living on 300 dollars a month. I do get free bus passes though. Isn't that wonderful?

I have designer clothes. I carefully selected the clothes when I was able to get free clothes in the shelter. I made sure everything I got was designer. It was a once in a lifetime moment and I wanted to leave looking like a Denver-ite. When I walk around I do not look homeless. I am sporting a Calvin Klein Jacket. I am wearing Ann Taylor Shoes.  I sometimes wear my AMAZING Michael Kors Winter Coat that I know must of cost hundreds of dollars! I look brand new! I am so proud of my cunning free shopping ways. However the fun I had is starting to lose its flavor.

I took with me a clothing Legacy. So now what? I am still living in Transition Housing. A lot of my friends at the shelter said "I knew you would make it! We are so proud of you!" and the staff looked upon me like a great success story. So now I have to carry the torch, so to speak. I want to come back telling them all that I made it. I can't wait to make it. Now I have to be strong and make it on my own with my son in tow. I want to walk in again one day with thousands of dollars worth of donations. I want to give away 20 brand new Christmas presents to the children at this shelter every year. I want to be able to say that I made it! I want to be able to give back to the shelter!

I still go to the VOA dinners occasionally, visit St Francis, the Denver Rescue Mission and other places and say hi to my friends there. I still admit that I need free meals to make it through. I just hope that my transition ways don't make them jealous. Its really wonderful to be able to go back to the apartment. I hope I can make it this year and next year and be out of the system. I don't want to end up like one of my other veteran friends. He told me after the two years were up he had to leave. For reasons I don't understand he ended up homeless and back on the streets again. I pray every night that this does not happen to me or to my son. We deserve to live like the rest of society. We have the right to be happy. It is scary sometimes to think that the responsibility lies mostly on me. I am going to think everything through and not panic. I will be strong for us no matter what.