I left the shelter recently and I feel so happy that I did. However I think I stayed there too long. I stayed there for four months with my son and I left some friends behind. Now I know that I am supposed to be celebrating. Instead I feel stressed out because I am facing the "real world" again. No more free dinners and parties and free clothes. I still qualify for those things because I live in Transition Housing. However I feel like a cheater when I walk into those soup kitchens.
I look down and quietly say " I have an apartment but I still need free food." Isn't that terrible? I am still in the bind I was in except I am not in the shelter anymore. I still need transportation. I am still only living on 300 dollars a month. I do get free bus passes though. Isn't that wonderful?
I have designer clothes. I carefully selected the clothes when I was able to get free clothes in the shelter. I made sure everything I got was designer. It was a once in a lifetime moment and I wanted to leave looking like a Denver-ite. When I walk around I do not look homeless. I am sporting a Calvin Klein Jacket. I am wearing Ann Taylor Shoes. I sometimes wear my AMAZING Michael Kors Winter Coat that I know must of cost hundreds of dollars! I look brand new! I am so proud of my cunning free shopping ways. However the fun I had is starting to lose its flavor.
I took with me a clothing Legacy. So now what? I am still living in Transition Housing. A lot of my friends at the shelter said "I knew you would make it! We are so proud of you!" and the staff looked upon me like a great success story. So now I have to carry the torch, so to speak. I want to come back telling them all that I made it. I can't wait to make it. Now I have to be strong and make it on my own with my son in tow. I want to walk in again one day with thousands of dollars worth of donations. I want to give away 20 brand new Christmas presents to the children at this shelter every year. I want to be able to say that I made it! I want to be able to give back to the shelter!
I still go to the VOA dinners occasionally, visit St Francis, the Denver Rescue Mission and other places and say hi to my friends there. I still admit that I need free meals to make it through. I just hope that my transition ways don't make them jealous. Its really wonderful to be able to go back to the apartment. I hope I can make it this year and next year and be out of the system. I don't want to end up like one of my other veteran friends. He told me after the two years were up he had to leave. For reasons I don't understand he ended up homeless and back on the streets again. I pray every night that this does not happen to me or to my son. We deserve to live like the rest of society. We have the right to be happy. It is scary sometimes to think that the responsibility lies mostly on me. I am going to think everything through and not panic. I will be strong for us no matter what.
Tuesday, January 3, 2017
My Baby, My Baby
It is not really funny, but sometimes the drama you hear in a shelter is sort of hilarious. When I first arrived to the shelter I thought that everyone was out to steal or take my baby. I knew that it was sort of crazy to think that way. However I just fell into this weird defensive stance and every time someone talked about my son, I would say "He is my baby, my baby!" Then I borrowed a pen from one of my case workers and lo and behold! It was a pen that said "Adoption Options" and I was like...."Oh hell no!" and thought the place was kind of evil.
Finally I talked it out at Denver Human Services and they said "oh no you don't need to give away your child! That is mostly for people who have been caught child abusing or who just want to give away their children to Foster Care." I met a few mothers who visit their children in Foster Care. It really looks like they don't miss their children that much. One mother I saw was walking around with a cell phone in her hand and when she went to meet her sons, she still held the cellphone in her hand! It was like she had to stay on Facebook or something while she talked to them. Am I missing out on Foster Care options? In my mind this would devastate me. Is there any fun in that? According to the way this mother looked, it looked like it was fun to be without her children.
The opposite extreme is to do what I am doing. I am still looking for nannies, childcare, and daycare (but my son has Autism Spectrum Disorder so it is difficult). My son stays with me practically 24/7.
Well I was finally moving out of the shelter when this poor young woman walks past us with her little one month year old son. She turns to my friend and says "my baby, my baby". The man I was with was a shelterite too so he told her off by saying "We all know that's your baby. Damn...you don't have to keep saying that!" I turned to him and said "Oh no. She has the My Baby Syndrome!" I told him how I was acting like that too. I really want to ask these single mothers who have one month year olds in their arms and say "What happened to you! Why is your life so f-ed up? Where is your family? Your baby daddy? Why did everyone abandon you? For G-d sakes you have a newborn baby!" But then I look at myself. A lot of people ask me the same questions. I often ask myself why this happened to me. However in good humor I say it was just because it was bad timing. I had to leave when I had nothing left, when I had nowhere else to live, and when I had no one to take care of my son. I left because I had no support and I needed to break free. I am sure most of these women feel the same way. So if you hear a woman repeat the words "my baby, my baby" please forgive her. She is just going through a really rough time. I know I did. I call it the My Baby Syndrome.
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Finally I talked it out at Denver Human Services and they said "oh no you don't need to give away your child! That is mostly for people who have been caught child abusing or who just want to give away their children to Foster Care." I met a few mothers who visit their children in Foster Care. It really looks like they don't miss their children that much. One mother I saw was walking around with a cell phone in her hand and when she went to meet her sons, she still held the cellphone in her hand! It was like she had to stay on Facebook or something while she talked to them. Am I missing out on Foster Care options? In my mind this would devastate me. Is there any fun in that? According to the way this mother looked, it looked like it was fun to be without her children.
The opposite extreme is to do what I am doing. I am still looking for nannies, childcare, and daycare (but my son has Autism Spectrum Disorder so it is difficult). My son stays with me practically 24/7.
Well I was finally moving out of the shelter when this poor young woman walks past us with her little one month year old son. She turns to my friend and says "my baby, my baby". The man I was with was a shelterite too so he told her off by saying "We all know that's your baby. Damn...you don't have to keep saying that!" I turned to him and said "Oh no. She has the My Baby Syndrome!" I told him how I was acting like that too. I really want to ask these single mothers who have one month year olds in their arms and say "What happened to you! Why is your life so f-ed up? Where is your family? Your baby daddy? Why did everyone abandon you? For G-d sakes you have a newborn baby!" But then I look at myself. A lot of people ask me the same questions. I often ask myself why this happened to me. However in good humor I say it was just because it was bad timing. I had to leave when I had nothing left, when I had nowhere else to live, and when I had no one to take care of my son. I left because I had no support and I needed to break free. I am sure most of these women feel the same way. So if you hear a woman repeat the words "my baby, my baby" please forgive her. She is just going through a really rough time. I know I did. I call it the My Baby Syndrome.
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My New Transition Apartment
I read somewhere in the contract that you can't video and record the apartments (like being a homeless veteran in Youtube). However I did manage to sneak in one picture of MY BRAND NEW KITCHEN!!! If you can see this kitchen then you can imagine the rest of this amazing apartment!
The total price for an apartment like this is around 1090.00 a month in Denver, CO. However if you add the sewer, water, electric, and other utility bills together I can imagine it will be around 2000.00 by the time it is done. Now I cannot tell you how much I pay for it. I think you might want to kill me if you knew. You might rapidly move out your homes and decide to become homeless too. I cannot tell you that. However....as wonderfully inexpensive as it is. There is a downside to all of this. You can only stay in this home for two years maximum. You must be able to meet full rent within two years or you will have to leave. It is not meant to be a forever apartment. That is why it is called Transition Housing. If you live in Transition Housing...even a house like this...you are still considered homeless. Isn't that crazy? You can get full benefits as if you didn't have a house at all. So we can still go the homeless shelters and eat the food, get free clothes and other goodies.
You would think all of this would make me happy right? Well suddenly I feel sad. I really want to make a living that can afford this kind of housing. I got a job offer. However, I fear that I will not be able to make this kind of money in a year or two unless my child gets the help he needs. I need FULL TIME DAYCARE to afford a place like this.I want to say that I am VERY Thankful for this place! I mean it is a dream come true! It is absolutely amazing. I am originally from New York City. I worked there when I was single and of course no one I knew could afford a place like this by themselves. Now I am in the same boat except I wake up every day wonderfully refreshed and wonder "how did I ever step foot into this apartment!"
My three year old son has his own room and he loves it! He plays with his trains all day long!
I know that he was meant to be in a place like this. God graced us well! Sometimes I believe that God is not really giving me all of this but it is for my son! Which is great because I am his mother.
I stepped out of the Samaritan House and came home to a place like this! Most people told me they cannot manage to stay in the program long enough to get housing. However to be fair, most people don't follow the no alcohol rules or curfew rules either. Well I did! I also got the Combat Vet help that I needed (free bus passes etc.) and I received tailored made items that helped me get to a good start. This included two airbeds, a new set of dishes, pots and pans, comforters, and even a crock pot! I never could say this out loud but I am sure she knew....I think she is one of the best case workers I ever met! I loved the way she treated me and helped me and supported me and then she saw me off with these wonderful gifts!
However life does rear its ugly head sometimes. The baby sitter I hired (who is also a family friend) has an aversion to traveling on buses. She stood me up today. Luckily it was just a trial run to see if she is reliable or not. She is not! It was sad but I had to let her go. Then....I went to the Homeless Coalition and I begged them for support to find Special Needs Daycare. I fear that this great job that I was offered (at the AFB base ) will go to hell with itself because I can't find sufficient daycare. I need regular hours from 7am-to 6m so I can do my shifts. So far the struggle has been real. I can't find it at this time! Luckily my dad said he will babysit for a while....but how long will that last?
I always fear the worst when things like this are out of my control.
The beds didn't come with an Air Pump and everyone forgot about that so my son and I ended up sleeping on the "non air bed" which was essentially the floor. However I got one from Walmart today and I fixed the problem. I also got a cheap internet deal and now I can work online at night so I can make extra income. I am afraid though and I wanted to share this with my readers. (In ten years from now this could be helping someone else). I was told to pray. So that is what I am doing. The thing is though if I can work anywhere I can sustain this place in the future. I only have 2 years left!
It sounds funny but it is not. I am still working on the problem of daycare and the fact that my child has Autism Spectrum Disorder. I will apply for SSI if I can't hold this job due to daycare soon!
In the meantime I absolutely LOVE my apartment! I am in apartment (Downtown Denver) Heaven!
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